Sunday, September 8th, 2013...9:11 pm
It’s Always What You Don’t Anticipate
I had thought about missing her, about her missing me. I’d been anxoius about her making new friends and learning new rules. I’d worried about choosing the right school and all that starting an academic career means.
I thought about and worried about everything that could go wrong for her.
But I hadn’t thought about how kindergarten would affect Miles.
On ThursdayNora let him put her too-big-for him backpack on her hook and her lunch box on her shelf. She showed him the label she had made, written herself and decorated with flowers and butterflies. He followed her directions with a huge smile on his face and then, when she turned into her classroom and I scooped him up to go with me, he lost it.
He pointed and struggled and insisted that her class was his class too. Insisted that he too had a journal to write in and a loft to climb up in and a bell that rings to signal the start of a new day. Insisted that he would rather be known as her mascot, not his.
This was Thursday. But it wasn’t the first day this happened. It was the loudest. It was the first day when Nora let him help her, which consequently made it worse. But every day Miles cries when we leave her.
I held it together for the first seven mornings of drop-offs. I teared up a bit on the first day, though I somehow held it mostly together. But on the 8th day, when Miles cried or whined for Nora all the way from her school to his, I lost it.
I had no idea he would miss her.
I had no idea he’d want so much to be where she is.
I had no idea that he could comprehend togetherness or apartness on a level that makes him miss a sister he hardly saw when she was just two classrooms away.
That I hadn’t anticipated.
And every morning it breaks my heart.